I despise the word “actually.” I’ve never understood how anyone could possibly not despise that word, which is a very autistic thing for me to think, even if I didn’t know it then. I eliminated it from my lexicon in early high school, hoping the people around me would forget it themselves if I never said it.
No one says it correctly, and because no one says it correctly it sounds like they’re trying to get my attention, every time. It’s said with the same, or similar enough, tone and inflection to calling someone to attention with their name that my immediate response is always a questioning acknowledgment that I’ve heard them. For example:
I’m sitting in a busy classroom during a period of free work and I hear my name. I perk up and focus on the area the sound came from, usually the teacher, and say, “Yes, Ms. So and So?”
The teacher looks at me, brow furrowed, and answers, “What? I didn’t- I was just correcting Jimmy here.”
“Ah, did you say ac-tu-al-ly?” I reply.
“Yes,” she says, “I said ‘Ack-shley, Jimmy.’”
“Sorry, I misheard,” I say, and attempt to return to my work, mentally berating myself.
The word is actually. It has four syllables: ack-too-uh-lee. It is an entirely different word from Ashley, with double the syllables and no “sh” sound to be found.
Lazy pronunciation of that word has gotten me into trouble many times. People have openly called me rude for butting into conversations where I was not welcome, even though I thought I was invited in by name. I have frustratedly launched into many a diatribe about the importance of proper enunciation when speaking to avoid confusion without first prefacing my diatribe with an explanation of why I’m even talking about enunciation because I’m so frustrated by every instance of mistaken engagement that they all feel like that same instance and I can’t even remember if I’ve attempted to engage and been shot down this particular time. I just hear “actually” and get upset. This also doesn’t help me gain favor in social situations.
Now that I know I’m autistic, I know that part of the issue here is that I have difficulty with understanding social cues to begin with, and one of the “processes” or “scripts” I’ve created for interacting is:
If you hear “Ashley” you have been invited in, engage party in conversation
It runs automatically, my brain is always listening in the background for that cue, which is the only surefire way to know I’ve been invited to speak, since I struggle with correctly interpreting nonverbal cues, and knowing when it’s my turn to speak in a conversation and it feels like it’s CONSTANTLY thwarted by people being too lazy to even say a word correctly.
So, #actuallyautistic, meet #ashleyautistic.